


Nether Regions

by ThatPiplupGuy



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Afterlife, Death, I swear, In a funny way, but like
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-17
Packaged: 2018-07-15 00:30:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7197992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatPiplupGuy/pseuds/ThatPiplupGuy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Hans seemingly blacks out in the middle of a battle, he wakes up in a strange, unfamiliar place.  The simple truth is one that takes some convincing to get through that impressively thick forehead of his:  He's dead, and this is the Netherworld.  Read on, and watch Hans's journey through the afterlife as he attempts to work off his sin towards reincarnation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nether Regions: Getting Igneous

**Author's Note:**

> The name for the Kamui/Corrin at the beginning, Aila, is a nod to a superb fan retelling of Fates, titled, At the End of All Roads. Aila was used with her Creator, Frisk's, permission, and was a large part of this story starting to finally see the light of day. If you like what you see here, check out the rest of Aila's story at attheendofallroads.tumblr.com.
> 
> It's a real ride- now, hang onto your seat and get ready for a laugh, Piplup-style!
> 
> Now, I'm coming from Fanfiction, here, so I dunno if this is necessary, buuuut...
> 
> I do not own Fire Emblem, Fates.
> 
> On with the show!

Hans had really screwed the pooch this time- and his face was showing it.  He didn’t have to be a heart-sensitive dragon to know that all the murderous intent swirling around the room was directed at him, and the axe in his hands felt woefully inadequate as his best men lay slain around him.

So much for the ‘Indestructible Blood Alliance’.  If he lived, he was going to kill Iago.

His eyes flicked around- waiting for someone to twitch- someone to make the first move so he could attack.

The princess, Aila was the first to break the angry silence- darting forward, faster than Hans could even react.

He felt the blade connect with his neck- he felt the blade start to sink, seemingly in slow motion…

And then…?

Nothing.

* * *

 

Hans really couldn’t tell you what was going on, other than the splitting headache threatening to break his head in two, and the fact that there was a cold, rough, rock floor beneath him.  Blearily blinking his eyes, he started to stir- lifting his head to look around him- wondering just where he had ended up.

He quickly ruled out a cot in the castle- he distinctly remembered going to bed with a blonde, and he most definitely was _not_ spooning anyone, unless he was wanting to get igneous.

His head hit the stone, growling as he tried to focus on what happened through his headache.  Let’s see- there was people.  They were angry at him (not that that helped him figure out who they were, the list of people who hated him wasn’t exactly a small list).  They…attacked him?  They killed him?

Hans snorted.  Just some dream.  The scene just shifted, that’s all.  He was gonna wake up in his bed, next to that charming young lady, and maybe get a little round two in.  So, all that was left to do was wake up.  When he felt like it.

At least, that was the plan, until he heard a voice.

“Uh, dude?  You gonna wake up at some point?”

Hans’s eyes snapped open, darting up to stare in puzzlement at who spoke up.  The figure had a human figure, and many human features- save the curled horns jutting out from his skull, snow-white hair, feathery and flyaway, going wherever it wanted.

The…human…blinked at Hans, his blood-red eyes seeming to glow in the low lighting.

“…Dude?  Dude.  Get up, dude.”

“Urgh, fine.”  Hans grunted.  “If the real world wants me, I’ll wake up.”

“Righteous, dude.”

Hans focused, trying to tear his way out of the dream, and go back to the real world- if that woman was poking him or something, she was in for it…

“…Uh…dude?  What are you doing?”

“Waking up.”

“Uh, dude.  I meant get off the floor.  I have to sweep.”

Hans stared up at him, very, very angry.

“You’re not making this easy, _boy.”_

“Woah, dude- don’t get snippy at me, man, I’m just doing my job.”  The…thing…said, holding his hands up.

“Then leave me be and let me wake!”

The being seemed to be confused beyond belief as the man seemed to strain and clench like a constipated man on the ground.  And that train of thought didn’t lead to a pleasant place for the worker.

“Dude, if I have to break out a mop, I am gonna be pi-“

Hans growled, pushing himself off the ground, and towering over the being…

Who seemed mostly unfazed by his height.

“Dude, thanks.”  He said, shooting Hans a sloppy smile as he walked forward- starting to sweep the area where Hans was laying- right up until the point where Hans grabbed him around the throat, hoisting him up in the air.

“A-ghkt!  D-duuude…what…the…hell…?!”  The man choked, trying to break Hans’s grip.

Hans growled, having just about enough of this upstart’s personality.

“Boy, I do not have a lot of patience in me, and you just wore out all of it.  Rethink your last words.”  He said, loosening his grip, a wicked grin spreading over his face.  The being took in a deep breath-wait, was his throat glowin-

Hans would, in the next five seconds, realize three things.  One, his throat _was_ glowing.  Two, it was because he could breathe fire.  Three, he was on fire.

He dropped the thing as he ran around, trying desperately to pat out the flames- managing it after a short amount of time, panic subsiding, rage returning.

Now Hans was pissed.  Whirling around, he heard the sound of a door opening- and growling, he started to march forward, towards the source of the noise.  He walked through the stone cavern, lips curled back in a snarl as he marched through the dim green torchlight, rage roaring in his ears as he found a set of double doors, slamming his foot into them, causing them to swing open.

“TIME TO DIE…B…Boy…?”

Hans blinked in confusion- he had gone from a dingy stone cavern that looked like Iago had personally decorated it, to a sterile white…waiting room that seemed to go on forever.

…And people were staring at him.  Brows quirked, some rolling their eyes.

Hans looked around in confusion, trying to find the boy- but finding nobody around him.

“…what…”

The word came out as a muted whisper, Hans staring around in plain confusion as his eyes landed on a sign above him.

_PLEASE FORM A QUEUE._

Hans looked ahead- watching the seemingly endless line fade into the distance.

“…What the hell?”

Hans started to ponder what was going on, when a loud voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

“NEXT!”

The line closest to him moved forward, the rear occupant sighing ‘finally’ as the line halted again.

Hans stared, spent approximately 5 minutes trying to figure out what was going on, before shaking his head, and moving forward- knocking the person in front of him aside.  And the next person.  And the next one.

“Hey…!”

“What the!?”

“Wait your turn!”

Hans decided to ignore them as he started to move to the front of the line, however far away that was.  The indignant cries swirled around him, but he was never one to let that stop him anyway.  He kept pushing, trying to break through to the head of the line.

* * *

 

Pushing.  Yelling.  Shouting.  Crying.

Gods above, how many people were in this damned line?  He tried to keep count, but lost track every time he hit the high hundreds.  Still ruthlessly determined, he started to pick up the pace, growling as he moved faster and faster…

After what seemed like a lifetime, he finally saw the end- a set of desks at the front with workers behind them, all with horns like the boy he had choked, and-

Gods above, those were some tacky-ass statues behind the desks.  Twenty meters tall and jet black?  Hans didn’t know much about interior design, but they certainly didn’t match office décor.

Finally, he was getting somewhere.  Moving even faster, he shoved aside the strangely familiar woman at the front of the line, and slamming his hands on the desk.

The person behind the desk stared up at him, bored, wine-red eyes glaring at him behind square spectacles- a pair of ram horns curling around her ears.

“…Sir, please return to the rear of the Queue.  There are people in front of you.”

“Don’t tell me what to do!”  Hans barked, cracking the desk beneath him with sheer strength alone, causing the woman to wrinkle her nose.  “I demand to know where that little brat that got away went, or everyone here is going to _suffer, do you understa-“_

“Suffering?  With you around, pal, we’re already there.”

Hans whirled angrily, ready to smack some sense into whoever talked-

…

Wait.  He knew this woman.

Hans looked at her in confusion.

“…Wait…are you…?”

“Scarlet.”  The woman replied, glaring up at him as she tapped her foot impatiently against the ground.  “You know.  The woman you killed in Cheve?”

“Gonna have to be more specific.”  He admitted- that did not improve Scarlet’s mood.

“And desecrated the corpse?”

“Gonna-“

“And took my skull as a trophy?”  She said through grit teeth, visibly trembling with anger.

“…Ooooh, Scarlet.”  He said, nodding in recognition- “Wait, aren’t you dead?  I thought I killed you.”

Scarlet didn’t even blink from her glare.

“You did.”  She said simply, folding her arms.  “Well, technically, you weren’t the one who did the killing.  That was an accident.  Everything _else_ was you.”

“Then how are you here?”  Hans said- pure confusion in his voice.  The boy had long been forgotten, a new puzzle in its wake.  Scarlet only seemed to get madder at this question, however.

“Because I’m dead, genius.  Welcome to the afterlife.”

Hans seemed to freeze in place at that sentence- staring straight ahead and putting two and two together.

The dream.  It hadn’t been a dream at all.  Those were his last moments.  He-Aila had killed him.  General Hans was no more.  They probably let one of those Wolfssenger’s eat the corpse, too.

Of course, that didn’t mean he had to accept it, because he sure as spit didn’t.  He turned back around, and loomed ominously over the worker, who had taken the distraction as a great time to start filing her nails.

“Listen here.”  He growled, in a voice that would make a grown man tremble with fear.  “General Hans of Nohr does not just die to a flouncing, half-dressed whelp.”  He growled- eliciting a short bark of laughter from behind him.

“You’re one to talk.”  Scarlet said, smiling.  “Shirts too complicated for you?”

“Oooooh, burn!”

“I’d say drag him to the back of the line, but it seems he’s already been.”

Hans groaned and turned around- Scarlet being flanked by two other women- Hoshidans, by the look of them.

“Nobody asked you, you little shits.”  He grumbled, all three women giving him a flat look.

“Yeah, well, I certainly didn’t ask your men to kill me.  Life’s full of shit we don’t want.”  The woman on the right growled.  The woman on the left elected to wear a smile on her scarred face- but it certainly wasn’t a kind smile.

“Go easy on him, Orochi.  That brain of his can’t possibly hold much in the way of sensibility.”  The scarred woman jabbed- Orochi taking the ball and running.

“You’re right.  It’s a wonder that someone’s head can be the size of a tome, but emptier than a dried-out pond.”  She said, grinning up at the older woman.

Hans just growled, shaking his head as he turned.  The woman had stopped filing her nails now, and was absentmindedly running the file up and down her horns.

“Sir, if you’re not going to the back of the line, I’m going to have to call security.”  She said, sounding for all the world like Hans was just a stubborn piece of dirt on her boot.  Needless to say, this wasn’t the best thing to say to someone who had the temperament of a keg of gasoline.

Wait, no, take that back- that’s insulting to gasoline.

The wood under his hands splintered as he raised his voice to a deep bellow- causing everyone but Scarlet, Reina, and Orochi to flinch.

“I SWEAR TO EVERYTHING I KNOW, YOU LITTLE TWAT, IF YOU DON’T TELL ME WHERE THAT BOY IS RIGHT _NOW I WILL-“_

The woman sighed, leaning over and pressing a button.  A short buzz came from the machine it was attached to, as the woman started to speak in a monotone:

“Security.  Code three in progress.”

_“CUT OFF YOUR HEAD AND FEED IT TO A DAMN-“_

Hans’s angry rant was cut off in an almost comical squeak as something massive wrapped around him, lifting him bodily from the ground.

He looked down- and connected the dots rather quickly, as the large, black object was a hand.  Connected to an arm.  Connected to what he thought was a statue.

Nope.  Definitely not a statue.

The massive golem brought Hans up to his face, growling in a soul-rattling manner- sending a cold sweat down Hans’s spine, and sending his fears to the forefront of his mind- like the creature, whatever it was, was drawing them out with its eyes, which glowed red behind a fierce, skull shaped helm.

**_“WAIT.  IN.  LINE.”_ **

The edict was simple and clear- even a knucklehead like Hans could understand that, dream or no, if he didn’t listen to this towering obelisk of Death, there would be hell to pay.

“…O…Okay.”  Hans murmured, shivering in the creatures hand- and with a jerk, he was moving again, reeling back…

“W-wait, are you going to th-“

Hans got the answer to the question instantly, as the massive golem finished winding up, and finally delivered the pitch, sending Hans screaming through the air as the lines below him blurred in motion…

* * *

 

“…And then I felt icky, so I went to bed to sleep it off and woke up here.”  A nondescript, Hoshidan man said, finishing off his story and sticking his hands in his pockets.  His conversation partner, a Nohrian woman with red hair humming and nodding.

“Damn, man.  Sorry.  Least it was in your sleep.”  She said, sighing.

“Your turn- how did you die?”  The man asked, the woman shrugging.

“I was part of the Nohrian army tasked with recapturing a small fishing village from Hoshidan occupiers.  Some crazy ninja threw a stick of dynamite at me, and, well, armor didn’t help much.”  She sighed, remembering her last moments.

The Hoshidan cringed.

“Owch.  Sorry I brought it up.”

“Eh, don’t be.  Upside, I guess it settled the issue of a burial versus cremation for me.”  The soldier grunted, meeting the Hoshidan’s eyes for a bit, wondering what she would talk with the civilian about.

“So, what did you do for a-“

The man’s brow furrowed as he cocked his head to the side.

“Huh- what’s up?”  She said, looking around her.

The man frowned.  “Do you hear something?”

The soldier pursed her lips, looking around.

“Now that you mention it, yeah- sounds like…screaming.”  The woman said, looking around- but what’s causing it?”

The Hoshidan man looked around, scanning for the source of the noise, before looking up at the skies, his face going pale.

“GET DOWN!”

The soldier didn’t have time to react as she was shoved to the ground, something- no, some _one_ hitting the ground where she had been standing just moments prior to the ground.

“…You okay?”  The man mumbled, the soldier rising to a sitting position- looking at the sad pile of what had once been a man (which would now be better described as meat paste, not to be gross about it.).  “What the hell was that?”

“Something that used to be alive.”  She remarked- the man giving her a flat look after that.

“That describes all of us.”  He deadpanned.

The soldier thought about it for a while, before nodding.

“Point.”  She said, getting the both of them up, and surveying…well, the mess.  Which was ever so slowly trying to coalesce into a person again, the restorative magics of the Netherworld working their…well…magics.  “Gotta feel sorry for the poor bastard, though.”

“Yeah.”  The man replied, looking over the mess- before facing forward in the Queue again, the soldier doing much the same.

“I don’t think I ever got your name, by the way.  I’m Kenji.”

“Nice to meet you, Kenji.  I’m Elizabeth.”

Hans was aware.

Aware that he was, at best, taco filling.  Aware that he had hit the ground with monumental force, and reduced his bones to powder- and that was being generous.

And boy, did it sting.  Indescribably so.

Pain.  Humiliation.  Death.  Fire.

It all seemed to sink in for the free-standing pile of veal- he was dead.

He was dead, and this was the afterlife.

This would not end well.


	2. Pomago

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hans comes to terms with his death, but the Netherworld isn't quite done throwing fastballs at him!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyo, all! First off, I don't own Fire Emblem, and second, thanks to everyone who left Kudos and comments! I wanna hug each and every one of you and give you a puppy! Now, without further ado, here we go!!!!
> 
> Sincerely,
> 
> -Piplup

If you had asked Hans what being reformed from a sludgy pile of meat was like, he wouldn’t be able to find the words.  Not because he didn’t know them, but because there’s really no way to describe feeling excruciating pain, exorbitant disgust, and a blistering awareness of his own mortality all in one as little bits of you began to slowly assimilate into a recognizable form.

But hey, at least his head was back.  And most of his torso.

Pushing a sigh past his lips- which he wasn’t even sure how he did it because he was damn sure his lungs hadn’t been fixed yet- he stared around at the queue, bored out of his skull.  Which was impressive, considering how large it was.

“Anyone know about how long this’ll take?”  He called out- and looked around to see he was being met with shrugs and vaguely sympathetic looks.   He took in another breath, staring at the ceiling as he started to count the tiles on the ceiling, one after the other.

He got all the way to one-hundred and thirty-seven, before a strangely familiar voice called out above the crowds.

“Make a hole, my dudes!”

Hans tried to twist himself around to see who had spoken, but without his arms and most of his lower body, there wasn’t much he could do at this juncture, except wait to see who spoke.

“Wooooah, dude.  What the here happened to you?”

Oh gods, he knew that voice.

“…Not you again.”  Hans sighed, looking up at the familiar face, same curly white hair and curved ram’s horns as usual.

“Me again, dude!”  He replied, almost cheerfully as he swung his janitor’s cart around, tugging on a pair of rubber gloves as he grabbed a rubber wedge from the cart, walking over to the pile of slurry that was Hans’s arms and lower body.  “Don’t worry, dude, I’ll get outta your hair…uh…scalp soon enough, I just gotta push you back together so you heal up a little faster.”

Before Hans could ask what that meant, the boy started to use the wedge to push the bits of human back into Hans- the General groaning in disgust as he felt his organs make contact with the meat.  In a word, disgusting.  In two words, really disgusting.  Still, he could feel it working- he could swear his lungs were finishing, and he was starting to feel in his biceps again.

“There you go, dude.  You should be up and ready to queue in about…five minutes.”  He said, dunking the wedge in a water bin on the side of his cart, and standing over him, very proud.

Well, that was an improvement over the thirty minutes he had spent on just his head.  Didn’t mean he had to like the experience in general.

Undaunted by the lack of thanks, he just shot Hans a goofy grin, walking behind his cart and starting to push it away.

“…Boy, wait!”

The Janitor stopped, turning around with a bit of a frown.

“Dude, my name’s Abraxas.  Call me that.”

Hans rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, I don’t care.  Are we really dead?”  He asked- even after the experience of being…well, what had happened, he was still a little skeptical.  His fears were confirmed when Abraxas nodded.

“Yeah, dude.  Sorry I didn’t have time to explain it, but uh…well, you were crushing my windpipe at the time.”  He said, twiddling his fingers.  “Well, dude, if that’s all-“

“It is not.”  Hans growled, staring at him.  “What are you?  You’re not human, that’s for damn sure.”

He seemed to perk up at the (admittedly insensitive) question.

“I’m a Diablos, dude.  We’re the denizens of the Netherworld.”  He explained, smiling.  “It’s our solemn duty to like, help people who have passed on find redemption and go into the next life.  Y’know” He added, seeing the confusion on Hans’s face.  “Reincarnation and all that Jazz.”

Hans blinked, trying to process that information.

“…I see.  So…we go to the front of the line, and then we get reincarnated?”

“Well…not really?  Look, dude, I have to start working, just grab a pamphlet when you reform.”  He said, starting to push his cart away.

“Wha- wait up!  Hey!”  Hans called- only to slump back again, defeated when he pushed open the doors to the entrance.  “Fantastic.”  He growled- waiting for feeling to return to his legs.

True to Abraxas’s words, he got the feeling back in his legs soon enough and was finally able to stand again- and looking at the stand Abraxas had pointed out, he walked over to pull out a pamphlet, humming as he looked at the front, walking to the back of the queue.

_Rencarnation and YOU! – A visitor’s Guide to the Netherworld –_

_-FAQ!_

_-Map of the Underworld!_

_-Something to do!_

As if Hans didn’t need enough to convince him to read it…he flipped it open to the FAQ, where he supposed the answer to his question was.

_Q: What happens when I reach the front of the line?_

_A: You will be sorted according to the amount of misdeeds you committed in life.  Most people find themselves on floors one to ten, working off their relatively minor sins with light to medium labor (See map)_

Hans made a mental note to check out the map, as he kept reading.

_Q: What are the Floors?_

_A:  The floors are shorthand for the Levels of the Netherworld.  There are 100 floors in total, the severity of your punishment increasing which each floor you descend.  (See map)._

Curiosity piqued, he decided to open the booklet to the map page, looking it over.

_Floors one through ten are Utgard- the capital of the Netherworld!  Flanked with dazzling residential areas and brilliant accommodations, it’s a place many Diablos are happy to call home!_

_Floors eleven through twenty are Old Utgard: It’s mostly in charge of the labor and manufacturing sectors of the Netherworld._

_Floors thirty through twenty…_

Hans looked down the list, landing on a marker after floor seventy.

-DIABLOS NOT ON STAFF PAST THIS POINT.  ONLY DEATHKNIGHTS.-

…Well, that was not exactly encouraging.  Flipping through the book, he found a Denizens of the Underworld subsection- and decided to read up.

_Meet your perky, helpful assistants down the road to reincarnation, the Diablos!_

…Yeah, all he needed to know was that they had horns and could breathe fire.  He did note that the model for the “Meet the Employee” section was the Girl behind the desk from earlier- she looked a lot happier.  He guessed she had just started the job when this picture was taken.

Flipping the page, he did a double-take.

_Meet our correctional officers, the Deathknights._

He read the stats.  Twenty meters tall, bearing gigantic axes, and burning with the hatred of a thousand spurned and neglected Souls.  They were the only staff from floors seventy downwards, and knowing what he did, he was almost certain he was heading there.

…Well, the entrance didn’t seem so bad now.  He supposed he’d live there….forever.  Reincarnation seemed overrated…

…?

Hans tried to move his feet, but they were rooted in place, unable to move.  He flipped back to the FAQ, a horrible realization taking root.

_Be advised that when you begin to queue, you will be in line until the process is completed._

Fan…friggin…tastic.

Coming to terms with his own mortality (for what was the second time today, he was sure) he stood, rooted there as he waited.

_Well, at the very least, it’ll be a while until I reach the front of the line.  At least I don’t have to spend it with an insufferable pri-_

BANG!

Hans whirled around- (Huh.  Maybe you just have to be intending to stay in line in order to move your feet) to face…

…Oh, son of several different bitches of differing breeds and sizes.  Here comes Iago MacBeth, professional life-ruiner.  Seriously, it said that on his business cards.  He seemed just as confused as Hans had been, if not more so.  He looked around until he found Hans- marching up to him, lips pursed, and looking supremely pissed.

“Hans!”  He called- a bit unnecessary, considering he was five feet away, planting his feet firmly in the spot behind him.  “Where in Nohr are we, and why are you not waiting at your post for the invaders?”

Hans fought an honest-to-goodness smile- having Iago yell at you was, as many of his soldiers described it, being barked at by a three-legged Pomeranian- before remembering why he was here, and why he was in line.

“Because the invaders won, you dipshit.”  He said, very blunt.  “They broke through the front lines, killed me, and then, they killed you.”

Iago blinked a few times- before settling on a scowl directed at Hans.

“Now listen here, you petulant musclehead.”  He growled- which actually sounded like a Pomeranian growling.  Holy crap.  His name was Pomago, now.  “I did not die.  I had a vision!  A vision of your blinding incompetence costing us everything we’ve worked so hard for!”  Pomago shouted, threatening to have a little color in his snow-white cheeks.

Hans was completely unfazed- when you die, it’s really hard to faze you anymore.

“A vision.  Right.”  He scoffed, rolling his eyes as he faced forward.  Pomago was not making queueing any more pleasant, and honestly, he was buckled in right now.  May as well ride.

“Wha- don’t ignore me, you simple…simpleton!”  Pomago shouted, and Hans actually smiled at that.  This ass was so easy to annoy, it was almost…well, no.  VERY comical.

“If you have an issue with it, go to the front.  I’m _sure_ they’ll be more than pleased to help you turn this whole thing around.”  He said, offering Pomago the first polite smile he had ever forced.  “They’ll just clear everything right up.”

Pomago puffed himself up, and started to march forward to the front desk.

“Perhaps I will!  And when I get out of wherever _here_ is, I’ll have some stern words waiting for you, Hans!  Your head is not safe on its shoulders!”

 _Pffft.  Like I didn’t know that already._   He thought, looking back as the doors opened again- admitting a rather plain-looking Hoshidan woman, who walked forward towards Hans’s line, before he stopped her.

“Sorry, spot behind me is reserved.”  He said- the woman quirking her eyebrow in confusion.

“What?  For who?”  She asked, Hans grinning for real- the woman shuddering as she knew, with overwhelming certainty, that a puppy just died.

“The asshole who walked up to the front desk is about to turn into a sloppy joe.”

“…And…you let him walk up there?”

“He’s directly responsible for my death.  Let me have this.”

The Hoshidan woman looked uneasy, but shrugged it off.  What will be, will be.

* * *

 

“Well, that went a lot better than I thought.”  Scarlet sighed relieved to finally be off her feet for the first time in a long, long while of queueing.  “I can understand why we had to wait so long, now.”  She sighed, the bottoms of her feet sore.

“Well, I knew from the start we’d have to wait a little while- I mean, weighing the sins and good deeds of every man, woman, and child can’t be an easy task.”  Orochi chimed in, kicking off her sandals and massaging her sore feet.  “I’m just glad we’re all going to the same floor.  Floor five seems like a nice place to be.”

“Indeed.  After all we’ve been through, maybe a taste of civilian life will do us some good.”  Reina said, grinning a little as she leaned back, comfortable at the thought of some light work after…well, one of the worst deaths the underworld had the misfortune of seeing.  They got bumped up a few floors because of it. “Still, I’m rather surprised that you’re going that far down, considering your demeanor, Scarlet- what happened?”

“…Well…hehe…”  She said, looking away as she started to blush a little.  “My mind isn’t exactly…the _purest_ place to be…”

A mischevious smirk touched the corners of her lips as Orochi giggled a little.

“Ooooh, details, Scar!  Who were they?  Come onnnn, spiiiiiill!”

Scarlet rolled her eyes, but decided to oblige.

“Well there was this one time where…”

Scarlet’s brow wrinkled in confusion when she heard shouting from the front desk, looking up to see another face he was hoping to avoid.  Iago of Nohr.  The greasiest man she had ever had the misfortune of meeting.

“…Oh gods, not him again.”  Scarlet groaned, watching the scene unfold.  He was harassing the poor clerk that had served them, who was really starting to look like she was counting down the minutes to the shift change.  Her every response was dull and emotionless, and Iago’s…considerably less so.

“…Heh.”

Scarlet turned a bit- looking at Orochi, who was biting back laughter.

“Doesn’t he look like an angry shiba pup?”  She said, looking up at Reina, who smiled back.

“Squint and tilt your head a little, yes.”  She said, a soft laugh touching her voice.

“Really?”  Scarlet asked, looking back at him.  “I always thought he looked like a greasy little Pekingese, myself.”

“Oh hey, yeah!  I can totally see that!”  Orochi said, clapping her hands in recognition.

“There is certainly a resemblance.”  Reina chimed- outwardly calm, but one step shy of a laughing fit.

The trio watched as Iago shouted and screamed, watching him work up a furious tirade of insults at the poor Diablos woman, who looked like she was about to just incinerate him and leave him to Abraxas.

“Poor Shiina.”  Orochi sighed, folding her arms.  “She doesn’t deserve this.”

Reina, on the other hand, was studying the Shiba Iago’s face as he grew increasingly furious with Shiina.

“It’s really incredible.  He’s been shouting for minutes now.  Does his face ever go past ‘driven snow’ in color?”  Reina sniped, amused at her own joke.

“Maybe if I ‘drove’ my sandal into his face.”  Orochi snickered, Scarlet picking up the banner.

“Hey, it’s my job to turn things Scarlet!”  Scarlet laughed- the three women starting to laugh in earnest- opening their eyes as Iago screamed in pure terror, being lifted up by the Deathknight above them.

“Jeff’s getting a lot of exercise today.”  Scarlet remarked, watching as he wound up for a grand pitch- and they weren’t disappointed.  Iago sailed, screaming like a banshee, over the crowds, vanishing into the back of the waiting room, Jeff almost seeming proud of that pitch.

“Nice throw, Jeff!”  Orochi offered, giving the Deathknight a thumbs up- Jeff looking down, smiling beneath his helm.

* * *

 

“…And that’s how I died.”  Hans finished, having regaled the woman behind him, and Abraxas, who had just changed shifts, with his life story.

“…Dude.  You took ‘Go Big or Go Home’ waaaaaaaaay too seriously.”  Abraxas mumbled, a little horrified at the General’s past actions, the Hoshidan woman (whose name was Kushi, come to find out) more than a little green.

“Tell me about it.”  Kushi mumbled.  “You realize you’re probably going to level 100 after that, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.  But hey, I won’t be alone.”

“Bwuh?”  Kushi and Abraxas said in unison, Abraxas tilting his head a little.

Hans decided to continue speaking.

“Because we are about to be joined by the only man who is, if anything, worse than I am.”  He said, grinning.

“Jeez, dude, and I only heard half of this story.  Warn me when he gets here, dude.”  Abraxas shuddered, Hans smiling wider.

“Oh, he’s here already.  You may have seen him.  Black, greasy hair, smelling of fetid decay…which, may actually just be a crappy cologne, come to think on it.  I can’t imagine anyone smelling that bad naturally.”  He said, folding his arms.

…What was the name of that cologne?  Eau de Seduction?  Yeah, sounds like the kinda thing he’d wear to try and get under Aila’s armor.

He never had the heart to tell him that he smelled like a corpse had tracked through pig slop.  Although that had less to do with him wanting to preserve Pomago’s feelings, and more to do with the fact that him striking out was infinitely more entertaining.

“…Wait, that dude?  The dude who looks like a Pekingese learned how to walk?”  Abraxas asked, quirking an eyebrow.

_GOOD GODS ABOVE, HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT!?_

Hans smiled as he thought about the similarities, before Kushi spoke up.

“So…where is he?”  She asked, Hans shrugging in response.

“Well, I sent him up a couple of hours ago, so he should be back any second now.”  He guessed, looking up at the air-

_Ah, right on queue._

_…Was that a pun?  Aw, shit._

“You may want to step back a bit.”  Hans warned, taking his own advice, as Kushi looked at him in confusion.

“What does that mean-“

“aaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-“

SPLORTCH!

Kushi let out a scream of abject terror as she was splattered with bits of Pekiagoese-pot-pie, practically leaping away as Abraxas stepped back.

“Ugh, dude!  It’s like Gallagher directed a snuff film in here!”  He cringed, reaching over to grab his rubber wedge, going to put Pekiagoese back together again, markedly more efficient than the King’s horses could.

Hans stood over the slurry, triumphant.

“Payback’s a bitch, ain’t it, Iago!?  That’s for your ‘Indestructible Blood Alliance!’”  He guffawed, as Abraxas started to mop him up.

Kushi looked away- cringing as bits of Pekiagoese literally jumped off of her clothes to join the pink slime on the ground.

“Why are you saving a spot for him, again?”  She questioned, looking back at Hans.  Hans looked back at her.

“Because nobody should have to experience Iago without someone to take the wind out of his sails.”  He replied, watching as Iago’s disgusting hair started to reform first- looking for all the world like someone had left a toupee laying on a slaughterhouse rejected meat pile.

Kushi pursed her lips, looking at the slime- and biting back a bit of morbid laughter.

…It did look pretty silly, after all.

“NEXT!”

The three looked forward, as the line shuffled on, Hans humming as he stepped forward, Kushi doing the same.

Iago, for the most part, seethed.  He may have bubbled angrily.  Nobody knows for sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all, folks! Have a nice day, or night!
> 
> Yours,
> 
> -Piplup

**Author's Note:**

> And that's all I wrote! Tune in next time!
> 
> Regards,
> 
> Piplup


End file.
